


Keep Calm and Heterodyne On

by Samarkand12



Category: Girl Genius (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Epistolary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2019-08-29 12:56:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 7,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16744420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samarkand12/pseuds/Samarkand12
Summary: In which Baron Klaus Wulfenbach is so irritated by Silas Merlot's pettiness that he chooses some other shmu--er, deserving candidate to succeed Doctor Beetle.It is going to take a lot more than shoving everything into a closet for Agatha Clay to deal with this mess.





	1. Under New Management

_Public Proclamation to the citizens of Beetleburg and faculty of Transylvania Polygnostic, April 1, 189--:_  


  


Doctor Tarsus Beetle is dead.  


Our beloved Master of Transylania Polygnostic and benevolent Tyrant of Beetleburg passed away this morning in valiant defense of Baron Klaus Wulfenbach and his son Gilgamesh.  It was discovered that his second-in-command Doctor Silas Merlot was engaged in forbidden experiments with technologies of the Other under the cover of an assignment of one of the Baron's projects he had been told to supervise.  Both the Baron and our beloved Tyrant confronted the _spiteful, petty little martinet_ when incontrovertible evidence of the existence of a hive engine within the university was revealed.  Eyewitness testimony to Imperial forces attacking Mr. Tock and the Clockwork Army must clearly stem from the fog of war.  Doctor Beetle would never have defied the Baron.  They were engaged in subduing the forces Doctor Silas Merlot mustered in a cowardly, treasonous defense.  


Yes.  


That is exactly what happened.  


Incidentally, we all wish our dear Silas well in his new career as combat architectural critic at Castle Heterodyne.   Please feel free to wave as he is marched in chains through the streets.  A discount on ripe fruit and vegetables is hereby declared so we can all give him the farewell he so richly deserves.  


Apparently, our dear Baron has decided to give in to the spirit of this day.  He has decided that--in the interest of continuity of government--that I shall be declared Tarsus Beetle's heir to the lands, town, university, and title of Tyrant.  This is no doubt the same keen political instinct that the Sultan of Khwarzim had when deciding to have a little fun with some steppe nomads who had come to call upon the palace.  I accepted this with the same grace and calm that everyone has come to expect of me.   


In my first act of state, I declare a three-day period of mourning for Doctor Tarsus Beetle.  His remains will be placed in state in the university chapel where all who wish to pay their respects may see him for the last time.  Be advised that this will begin tomorrow, when the curfew enacted due to the Imperial State of Emergency will be lifted in a limited form.  Otherwise, stay off the streets and do not gather in crowds of more than four individuals.  TPU itself shall be closed for the week while the Vespiary Squad sweeps the grounds and extracts the hive engine.  


I ask for calm in the face of this tragedy.  


******Trust me.  I am panicking enough for everybody right now.** ****  


Agatha Clay,  


Tyrant of Beetleburg, Master of Transylvania Polygnostic, and Really in Need Of Cup of Tea.  



	2. A Rousing Speech to the Troops

_Transcription of speech to emergency convocation of TPU faculty and senior staff, April 2, 189--_

 

Um.

Hi. 

I read in a book about public speaking that one should start with a joke to put everyone at their ease.  So.  Hello, I am the Tyrant of Beetleburg.

No-one is laughing.  Well.  It is not a very funny joke, is it?   At least we can be assured that our _beloved_ overlord is having a hearty chuckle over this.  Ho-ho-ho, let the useless little secretary run the place into the ground hard enough until I can walk in and take it outright.  What a delightful jest!  What an amusing prank to play!  What _complete rubbish_.  I am _not laughing_.  Doctor Beetle was the greatest mind of his generation of Sparks.  He managed to fight off a hive engine attack during the initial attacks.  He was brilliant and kind and he allowed me to stay on and I never had a chance to thank him and _on top of it I was late_. 

Um.

Thank you, Herr Glassvich.  Oh, I can keep the handkerchief?

I can't believe he is truly dead.

I am very much aware how utterly unqualified I am for this position.  In case anyone asks, I received a heliogram from Lady Octavia Beetle from her villa in Rome as to my inquiry whether she would like to claim her rightful title.  It reads as such: "AHAHAHAHAHA--"  for about three hundred characters before ending in "not on your life."  Clearly, this is a woman who has attended one of our faculty meetings.  That leaves me in charge.  I did not ask for this.  All I wanted to do was attend class and build at least one thing that worked.  Instead, I am now Mistress of this University.

Well, that at least got a laugh.

Um.  Why? 

Excuse me, why is no one meeting my eye?

Herr Glassvich?

...oh.

_Oh._

_**Oh.** _

I made such a pun, didn't I?  Because of course, I am such a pathetic figure that the only way to stay on her was...was offering myself up to--  So that was why people used to offer me kneepads.  How amusing!  Why, these are tears of hilarity in my eyes.  I can't stop the paroxysms of laughter.  It only looks like crying.  _Doctor Beetle was like the father I never knew. He was a good man who **never would have asked that of me.  Not even Silas Merlot ever made such an insinuation.**_

_**But you know what?  I am sticking this thing through.  Even if I have to withdraw from the student body to avoid accusations of conflict of interest. Don't everyone cheer all at once, by the way.  I am going to haul myself into the Master's office every day to deal with a pack of scoundrels who would think such scurrilous rumours of the most honorable man I ever knew.  Why?  Because his legacy matters.  Because Doctor Beetle deserves to be more than a punchline.  Because I am not going to let some idiot whose name will not be mentioned toss around bombs like some lunatic to end the life of a man worth ten times him.** _

**_I--_ **

...I have to lie down for a while.  Herr Glassvich, if you would?

Get out, the lot of you.  The sight of you makes me sick.

 

 


	3. Book 'Em, Danno

_Incident report by Sergeant M. Plotz, 34th Mobile Gendarmerie, Beetleburg, April 1, 189--:_

\---appears that Gilgamesh Wulfenbach took it upon himself to search out the reported assailants against the newly-proclaimed Tyrant of Beetleburg. Forces requisitioned from Imperial personnel were two jaegermonsters and an infantry-assault clank. The two accused were discovered in the tavern of the ------ Inn. Herr Wulfenbach proceeded to confront the accused Omar von Zinzer to "give an account of himself for attacking a helpess woman". It is not this soldier's place to speculate why this was done in a loud voice while half his shirt was dramatically unbuttoned--

_Note by Baron Wulfenbach on Imperial copy:_ "I have to find the boy a wife."

\---resulting affray involved 200,000 Imperial Marks worth of damage, a two alarm fire, a stampede of mimmoths, and the death of Omar von Zinzer through being crushed by a Blue Whorled Snail being kept in the back of a nearby Mechanicsburg-cuisine delicatessen. 

_Additional note from Baron Wulfenbach:_ "I _really_ have to find this boy a wife."

One golden-trilobite locket was reported recovered and triumphantly delivered to Agatha Clay, current Tyrant of Beetleburg.

_Note by Agatha Clay on copy cc:d to town files_ : :"Look at my locket! It's crushed! The back half is gone! Who does he think he is, Othar Trygvassen?"

_Note by Gilgamesh Wulfenbach on Imperial copy_ : :"What did I do wrong?"

_Note by Baron Wulfenbach beneath it:_ "If you have to ask, _then you have just answered your own question._ "

 

_Judgement record of Moloch von Zinzer, accused of Aiding and Abetting Thievery, Assault, and Tragically-Mistaken Target Selection, April 2, 189--_

Accused’s plea: Fine. Just get it over with already. This is just the last heap of dung upon the rotten luck. Family farm ends up overrun by those colossal wolfmen. Cushy job with d’Omas gone. Every one of my brothers except Omar got killed by that lunatic working for the Baron. The one brother who survived was a crazy, battle-happy idiot who ended up robbing the darling of the leader of this burg’s eye who then got herself in power. Whatever. At least make it quick, please? 

Specified sentence for offenses: Bell jar

Sentence rendered: Probation, community service, a stiff drink and a long hug

Trial notes: Red fire, someone with an even worse life than I have...


	4. They Knock Us Down, But We Get Up Again...

_Public proclamation by the Tyrant of Beetleburg, April 5, 189--_

Right. Panic time is over.

I recently had a chance to talk with a man who has been outside the walls behind which I have sheltered behind since I was eleven. I remembered things were pretty rough out there. I have read the reports of problems at the edges of Beetleburg territory. What I did not understand is how incredibly lucky each and every one of us was under Doctor Beetle's protection. The Empire's policy of triage means that, if Beetleburg became more trouble to support than save, this town we are so proud of would become a quarantine zone.

I am an untalented klutz who is the butt of every joke in town.

But this town gave me a home after so long.

_My town. My home. My responsibility._

Mr. Tock is down. The Clockwork Army is in pieces. For over thirty years, we relied on both to keep us safe. Even if he wished to, the Baron cannot leave a garrison large enough to defend us against a serious attack. I am therefore forced to call up all able-bodied citizens of Beetleburg into militia service. Any citizen of Beetleburg with any military experience will report to my office by the end of the day. Our new training sergeant Moloch von Zinzer will conduct drill every two days in the afternoon he university grounds until they are considered ready to train others.

The only exceptions to this will be those assigned to fix Mr. Tock and the Watch. The Baron was going to take them away for repairs. I assured him that we can do it ourselves. The genius who created them is gone. But together, we can rebuild them. Make them as good as new. Stronger. Faster. _Bigger guns. Yeeeeeesssss. Perhaps a few teensy tiny improvements I always wanted to mention to Doctor Beetle. There are just so very, very many things possible these days that just were not around three decades ago-- A_ h. Where was I? Repairing our defences. Every relevant guild will provide ten of their best journeymen and one master to aid the TPU team. Work will continue around the clock. Don't worry, you learn to live without sleep. I certainly am.

 

"Able-bodied citizen" includes constructs, too. Which reminds me of how constructs are treated in this town. The attitude has been to live and let live as long as less human constructs keep themselves from being too obvious. This is an attitude that will change. Now. I will not have any of my subjects...


	5. Vot Hy Deed On My Beetleburg Vacation

_Letter to Arella Heliotrope, April 6, 189--,_

Hello dere, Ara. Hy am havink this written for me by my friend Bosun Heegs who is very schmott guy. Hy know hyu like me sending hyu stories uff my vork. De mission to Beetleburg vas mostlly boring, though. De Spark in charge vent down like nothink. Ve not effen have chance to fight nasty bogs.

Vat happened after vas sort of fonny. De guy who betray his Master, he vas told by de Baron dot vun mistake he vould send him to Der Kestle. So vot did de fool do? He expel dis nize but clumsy gorl who do notink wrong out of spite. Ohohoho, de Baron not like dot. Hy tink he vas mad about his old friend dyink so stupid-like. Dot is vy dis Silas last ten seconds as Master and de gorl got de job.

She is sweet gorl. She really vant to take care of de town she heff been giffen. Undt she schmells verra verra nize. 

Hy am tinking of home a lot.

Zo maybe ve meet at Old Man Death's ven hy am in area, ja?

Hyu faithful friend,

Zudok


	6. Three Letters and a Lady

_Note to Moloch von Zinzer, April 7, 189--,_

Look, I know I am taking shameless advantage of this community service I sentenced you to. But I need you to take charge of the swing shift working on Mr. Tock. Master Pelisceu is an excellent man at hs trade. But he is clearly better at schmoozing at the guildhall than running a high-stakes repair team. That means you'll have to juggle both the militia drill and the repair work. No rest for the wicked, huh? Not that you're actually all that bad. Consider everything that happened in the alley as roundfiled. You have been a really good sport about this, all told.

Can I make it up for you with dinner? I am going back home this evening for a home-cooked meal. Don't worry about Adam and Lilith. I explained that you were actually trying to stop your brother from...going too far. In fact, there might be a place at my foster father's shop for you if you want to stick around to earn some money for Paris. 

Or if you can stand dealing with me, the university could use a skilled machinist such as yourself on staff. I mean, wow. We actually got that little clank of mine working! Something of mine functions now, even if I can't. 

Agatha Clay, ~~Mistress~~ _Chancellor_ of TPU

 

_Letter to Baron Klaus Wulfenbach, April 8, 189--_

Thank you for the copy of your monograph on workplace relations. Matters have not become so dire that I have to implement the measures outlined in the paper. I do find that idly flipping through it when one of my subordinates gets shirty does wonders for resolving any chancellor/minion disputes with dispatch. There is the increased load on the grey-water system to account for, though.

Your gift of the waffle-iron and recipe was also appreciated. Frankly, I can't seem to be able to eat enough of them. I guess that the terror of being dumped with the leadership of Beetleburg by _someone_ who had a temper tantrum hones the appetite.

...really, those are amazing waffles.

Agatha Clay, Tyrant of Beetleburg

 

_Letter to Gilgamesh Wulfenbach, April 9, 189--_

I will never forget you throwing that bomb at Doctor Beetle.

But the chamber music piece you sent to me was an absolute delight. I played it a couple of evenings ago at dinner with my parents and Moloch. I did not mention the author of the piece to the latter. He is still a bit bitter about the deaths of his brothers. In any case, something in your composition resonated with me. I have always found playing the piano a solace. But that night, I _felt myself finally free to enter the music and allow myself to slip the petty worries of Earth to soar amid the pure realm of tone and pitch and--_

Pardon the smudge there. Damned migraines.

The collection of clippings from the Paris journals about your adventures there was fun. You do share with your father a sense of the ridiculous about yourself. I couldn't stop laughing for hours. Sweet lightning, I needed the levity after the week I have had. Not that it has been complete frustrating. The faculty are quite mad, of course. The town council and the guildmasters at least are playing along. My foster mother and father are running interference for me there.

I cannot forget what you did.

I might be able to forgive, some day.

Agatha Clay, Tyrant of Beetleburg


	7. Cover Ups and Consequences

_Report into destruction of the_ Rozen Maiden  _April 20, 189--_

\--explosion appears to have come through a chance confluence of an ungrounded mooring line and a series of minor faults in various systems. They cascaded into a conflagration that resulted in the total loss of the airship. There s no trace of any bomb or other sabotage device. Swift action by one Bosun Higgs enabled the crew to escape with only moderate injury by ballute. Sadly, said action directed much of the fury of the explosion into the cabin assigned to the cryptographers assigned to decode Doctor Beetle's notes. No trace of the originals or decrypted copies have been found.

It appears that this was the opportunity that Othar Trygvassen GENTLEMAN ADVENTURER! used to effect his escape in collaboration with Escaped Animal Subject #45783--

 

_Private journal of O. Trygvassen, April 22, 189--_

Success! I have escaped the dire clutches of the dread tyrant who would condemn us all to live in a world ruled by Sparks. My work may now continue until the day comes that I might finally end my damned existence. My new boon companion Krosp assures me he will do whatever he can to advance the day of my death. Really, I don"t usually work with small children or animals. But that is one amazing cat.

As happens in heroism, my landing site happened to be near Master Payne's CIrcus of Adventure. I was able to assist them in some difficulty they have having with a rampaging clank. Madame Olga was most effusive in her thanks for saving her from immolation.  Master Payne was most receptive to my clever plot to hide myself among his troupe of actors pretending to be Sparks. Quite a coup of subversion, if I say so myself.    


Apparently, we shall be arriving at Beetleburg within the month.  Excellent.  I shall deal with Tarsus Beetle, then.

 


	8. May Day

_Front-page article from_ The Scarab _, Beetleburg's newspaper, May 1, 189--_

 

  **Mr. Tock Walks Out**

**Clockwork Army Repaired**

**"I could not have done it alone."--The Tyrant**

     Mr. Tock is back!  The belltower and clank which has been the cornerstone of our town's defenses for over thirty years strode out from the gates of Transyvalnia Polygnostic flanked by the Clockwork Army.  He was greeted with a twenty-one gun salute by selected members of the newly-formed Beetleburg Militia under the command of Sergeant-Major Moloch von Zinzer.  To the cheers of a grateful populace, the Tyrant of Beetleburg mounted a podium beneath the looming hulk of the brass fist of her possible displeasure.  Lady Agatha Clay may have been an unusual choice by the Baron to fill the smoking boots of the late, lamented Tarsus Beetle.  But in the words of Imperial administrator Boris Dolokhov, she is "surprisingly less incompetent than the usual chinless wonders we have to put up with."

     "I could not have done this alone," the Tyrant stated.  "I consider this the triumph of the entire town.  I mean, it was not my talent that got him up and running--"

     This was met with laughter from the crowd.

     "No, no, even though I haven't had a headache in weeks, I am just the girl who got lucky with the real people responsible," the Tyrant insisted.  "The guildsmen, the students and professors, every citizen who supported us, the delegation from the Court of Gears under Hadrian Greenclaw, and last but not least-- **get him up here.** "

      General hilarity was the order of the day when a struggling von Zinzer was passed by the throng onto the speaking platform.

      "Moloch von Zinzer, new Head Machinist for the office of the Tyrant of Beetleburg."  The Tyrant threw an arm around his shoulders.  "I am afraid that I am sentencing you to life."

      "The first chance I get," Moloch replied.  "Whoosh.  Off to Paris."

      "I will send Tock after you."

      "You wouldn't."

      "Totally would."

      "Freaking sparks, huh?"  Moloch addressed the crowd.

      "Wait, **_what?!_** "

      It was at that point that the Baron's heir dramatically appeared in his revolutionary falling machine....

     

 


	9. Breaking Through

_Letter to Baron Klaus Wulfenbach, May 1, 189--_

     Gil is safe.  He landed on his head.  Nothing important was at risk.

Agatha Clay

 

_Letter to Baron Klaus Wulfenbach, May 2, 189--_

     You invaded my home, got my master killed, and then dumped an entire city into my lap without a by-your-leave.

     But you never made me stupid.

     They said it was to keep me safe and keep me hidden and keep me **_stupid damn them damn them_** \---

Agatha Clay

 

_Letter to Baron Klaus Wulfenbach, May 3, 189--_

     My regrets if my last letter gave you any concern.  I am fine.  Gil might be an dramatic idiot whose engine designs _are over-complicated abortions which need half of the useless dross ripped out to get anything useful out of them_ \--

Agatha Clay

 

_Letter to Baron Klaus Wulfenbach, May 4, 189--_

      Right.

      There is some faint hope that this letter will be coherent.  We have but to hope, do we not?

      It was, as you might have guessed, the locket which suppressed my Spark.  Doctor Beetle crafted it for me on my eleventh birthday when I showed signs of breaking through.  I still want to think that he had some sense of compassion for me rather than intending in some way to use me as a pawn of some sort.  With the loss of his notes, I will never know the true nature of his regard for me.  Gilgamesh informed me that I was oddly fortunate in how my Spark was suppressed.  His own breakthrough at eight was apparently incredibly rare in its lack of violence.  Who knows what might have happened had my Spark been left to express itself naturally as such a young age?

      Gil's been amazing, by the way. 

      Really.

      Yes, really.

      The suppression apparently turned the usually-violent breakthrough event into what Gil terms an "easing through".  I was apparently entering into fugue during sleep--what little I had!--during the first weeks of my term of Tyrant of Beetleburg.  The humorous reports you no doubt received of me being discovered working on Mr. Tock in my underthings was this "sleep sparking".  Apparently, I have been unconsciosuly entering into fugue for over two weeks without anyone seeming to notice.  My Spark seems to manifest in a manner which leads to a collective synthesis when working with others.  This...well.  It explains a lot.  Like being able to repair all of the Watch and Mr. Tock, the improved coffee engine, and the Nutcracker Trebuchets now mounted on the town walls.

      I like nuts.  Don't judge me.

      I...

      I am not broken.

      I am not useless.

     Herr Baron, in spite of my... _issues_ with what happened that April day, I am indeed grateful for the support the Empire has given me.  You placed your trust in me to serve this town.  I would like to think that your decision to condemn Doctor Merlot over his expulsion from the university as evidence you saw traces of what I was.  Let's go with that.  So do understand that it is as a loyal vassal--and not the defiance of an angry spark--that I categorically refuse the order to report to Castle Wulfenbach.  I have been subject to enough "study" over the years by Doctor Beetle, thank you very much.  I do wish you well in your study of the Spark.  Gil says you are working on "quality of life issues".  Whatever that means.  But you gave me Beetleburg to care for.  And care for it I will.

 Respectfully,

Agatha Clay, Tyrant of Beetleburg

"My town, my people, _my responsibility_ "


	10. Chatter Belowdecks

_Letter to Moloch von Zinzer, May 6, 189--_

     In retrospect, your letters on the subject of dealing with the eccentricities of Sparks should have raised my suspicions.  I should have realized that you were speaking of one in particular rather than the many of the gifted among the university faculty.  I myself would not have considered the use of water bucket, broom, and seltzer bottle as appropriate in the "wrangling" (as you so delightfully put it) of a Spark.  Every Spark is, however, unique in how to deal when they dive head-first into madness.  It seems that treating yours as one would a cat works for you.  

      Your last letter seemed to betray a sense of fear and trepidation concerning being chosen as a chief minion.  Indeed, you have been elevated by your Spark to such an august position.  I suggest you embrace it as a positive development in your life.  Yes, you will be serving for life someone who will regularly descend into lunacy to commit hideous offenses against the order of the universe.  This is in fact a good position to be in.  Much of the world suspects that they may be the helpless toys of eldritch beings beyond their ken who toy with them at their leisure.  We minions do not have such existential dread.  We know precisely which eldritch abomination in human form we serve.  Through study and skill, we can moderate the worst of their excesses.

      This may at times require the use of hand-puppets to convince a certain someone that his son is acting like a moonstruck fool instead of falling under the beguiling charms of a sparky seductrix.  A slow, careful tone of voice usually associated with explaining things to very young children or somewhat dimwitted canines was also employed. 

      I wish to offer you one of my hands in greeting to a little society I preside over: the Only Sane Men In The Room Club.  It is a brotherhood of chief minions in the empire which provides support and--failing that--a shoulder to sob into.  There is a convention in Paris every year.  It is quite jolly.  I myself do not engage in jolliness, frivolity, shenanigans, jackanapes, or other such activities.  I usually visit the Incorruptible Library to wistfully contemplate chucking it all over for a quiet life of card cataloging.

     Of course, I would never abandon my Spark.

     When a man destroys the idiot who turned you into a four-armed jester in motley, then casually ask you if you would help him make sure this does not happen to other people?

      Well, how can you not fall in love with such a man.

      I wish you all the best with your charge.

 

Sincerely,

Boris Dolokhov


	11. Enter the Shadchan

_Headline in_ Paris Soir, _May 15, 189--_  


  


******WULFENBACH HEIR IN SCORCHING TRYST WITH NEW SPARK!**   


**DRAMATIC APPEARANCE AT MOMENT OF REVELATION OF BREAKTHROUGH!  
**

**READ OF THE LOVE THAT DEFIES AN EMPEROR'S COMMAND!  
**

_  
_

_Heliogram to editors of_ Paris Soir, _May 17, 189--_  


  
      RED FIRE, DO YOU PEOPLE EVEN HAVE LIVES?  


  


Agatha Clay  


  


_Letter to Baron Klaus Wulfenbach, May 20, 189--_   


  


        First, the Master of Paris was very understanding about my request that certain journalists be delivered in chains to me at the next Tyrant's Court.  I will in the future handle this through the imperial diplomatic and legal channels.  I will not, say, unleash a plague of clockwork pirahna into the staff toilets of a certain scurrilous journal of low morals that I shall not deign to mention.  


       As much as they really, really deserve it.  


       Your letter about the complications of a relationship between Gil and myself was hard to take.  My foster mother's lectures on how a lady should be careful about men paying suit didn't cover matters like dating the heir of a bloodthirsty tyrant.  I find myself at a loss here, really.  I never even thought I was capable of being courted by anyone.  Who would date a girl like me?  Now, I am getting offers from minor nobility for strategic marriages.  There are gossip articles in Paris papers about me.  Oh, and there was that minor incident with the man with the squirrels who sought to carry me off to be his bride.  We used some of the more amusing additions to the Clockwork Army on that joker.  Although we picked up a fine new grad student in the person of Ms. Baumhund.  


       I can't really answer your question about my intentions towards Gil.  He makes it impossible!  One minute he is smart and brilliant and amazing.  He has done so much in the past few weeks to mentor me in being a Spark.  We have been having a blast working on his supposed-to-fly machine.  Then he says something unbelievably _stupid_ like how we should get married so that I could be "marked as his" to avoid anyone trying to "claim me".  I have had to show him a map and introduce him to those little lines they call _boundaries_.  I can't just run off with him.  I like him a lot.  But I have a town and other responsibilities.   


      Can we just say that so far what is going on is in the nature of an experiment?  


      Besides, apparently I have been accidentally dating Moloch von Zinzer since the week we met.  I thought I was being nice!  


      Your list of eligible men ranked according the strength of Spark, suitability in noble rank, and alliance potential was received in the understanding that you are concerned.  In your own special, unique way.  Although next time, _please do not also include notes on sperm motility._  


Agatha Clay,  


Tyrant of Beetleburg  


          



	12. And In This Corner...

_Note wrapped around a brick tossed at Gilgamesh Wulfenbach, May 22, 189--_

 

 

     Okay, pal.  I've tried to keep a lid on it because the kid is head over heels for you.  Maybe my brother deserved what he got when you killed him because you wanted to look good for her.  Agatha asked me to let bygones be bygones.  But enough's enough.

     I heard you bragging about your moonshining skills.

     So you and me.  The bar at the Sharp Retort.  Bring your best shots.  I'll bring mine.  Last man standing wins.

 

Moloch von Zinzer

 

 _Article in_ The Scarab, _May 23, 189--_

 

     The two paramours for our fair Tyrant's hand met in alcoholic battle last evening at the Sharp Retort.  The Head Machinist (and reputed chief minion) Moloch von Zinzer opened with his "Brewed in a Boot Ale" which his opponent scorned as a pallid attempt.  The heir to the Empire realized matters were more serious than he thought when Herr von Zinzer knocked back a double shot of Gilgamesh Wulfenbach's infamous toothpaste-and-hedgehog appertif (known far and wide as a "Thagomizer") without blinking an eye.  Herr Wulfenbach acquitted himself well against the riposte of Herr Zinzer's Sump Degreaser.  Shot after shot was traded until each duelist's arsenal was depleted.  At which point, the contents of the Bar and the stock of kitchen cleaning supplies under it were enlisted into increasingly bizarre alcoholic alchemies. 

     It was at the point when both von Zinzer and Wulfenbach were brewing up a new cocktail--tenatively titled Klaus' Mighty Pimp Hand--in a jury-rigged fractional still that the Tyrant came to confront her two lovers.  She walked in just as the condenser blew, releasing a cloud of that engulfed the main floor of the most notorious tavern in the Student Quarter--

 

 _Letter to_ The Scarab _, May 24, 189--_

 

      owmyheadthisisworsethanthelocketstopthedwarffromsmackingmyfrontallobeswithamallet

      Uh.

      Alright.  Let's get this straight: Moloch von Zinzer is _not_ my "lover".  It is perfectly possible to take a man to have dinner with your parents, teach him ballroom dancing, have long evenings chatting over mechanics-- Alright, maybe I have been dating him.  But he is not fighting for my hand with Gilgamesh Wulfenbach like some cheap Bill-and-Klaus rivalry out of a Heterodyne show.   He has assured me that I am "not his type", and ~~what happened last evening was a one-time thing that~~ ~~~~our relationship is that of friendly Spark to minion.

      Second.

      If anyone finds the clothes I was wearing last evening, just dump them into the nearest hazardous materials bin.  If they have indeed achieved limited sapience from whatever was in that cocktail, please alert the nearest militia officer.  Do not approach.  Bullets may not stop them.

      Third.

      Any further articles in about Gil and I and our "torrid love affair" may mysteriously result in the introduction of Our Friend The Electric Candiru Fish into a certain newspaper's staff toilets.  By the by, please report on our sympathies for the editors of _Paris_ _Soir_ __ __in this troubling time of theirs.  We of course have no idea who did such a dastardly thing to them.

 

Agatha Clay

Tyrant of Beetlburg

 

       

   


	13. Grand Opening

_Poster found around Mechanicsburg, June 1, 189--_

 

**ANNOUNCING THE GRAND OPENING OF**

**CAFÉ HELIOTROPE**

**featuring the finest of coffees, teas and pastries curated by**

**Vanamonde Heliotrope**

**author of _Bean There, Done That_**

**Brewing done by engines generously provided by**

_**they'reperfect** _

**Agatha Clay, Tyrant of Beetleburg**

**Discount to all students and faculty of Transylvania Polygnostic**

**Nightly cabaret by MAMMA'S GORLS**

**and other fine performances by prominent artists**

**Opening night extravaganza by the famed troupe**

**MASTER PAYNE'S CIRCUS OF ADVENTURE**

**on stage on June 2nd, 189--**

 

 


	14. In the Limelight

Dramatis Personae, _theatrical column of_ The Scarab, _June 3, 189--_

 

 _  
_        This humble columnist declares the newest addition to the small but active theatrical _demimonde_ of Beetleburg to be a rousing success.  The opening gala exceeded all expectations.  Café Heliotrope was intimate rather than cramped as a performance space, with lighting and acoustics on par with much greater venues.  An interview with the proprietor revealed that Mechanicsburg artisans are skilled in creating such spaces due to long practice in catering to the needs of the Old Masters.  The in-house troupe known as "Momma's Gorls" opened the evening with the raucous and energetic vaudeville only slightly toned down from the scandalous antic of their parent company.  The Gorls were later joined by a series of hilarious skits and acts from the performers of Master Payne's Circus of Adventure.  We heartily recommend attending their performances--to run for a full week, on the university quadrangle--when they open their camp formally tomorrow.  

         The _piece de resistance_ was a most stimulating take on that blasphemous abomination of a Heterodyne play: _The Socket Wench of Prague_.  Definitely not one for the children, everyone under sixteen was barred from the café as the curtain rose on this bit of dramatics.  Rumours abound that heir to the empire Gilgamesh Wulfenbach personally asked Master Payne to perform it and "spice it up".  Even more amusing was inclusion of our very own beloved Tyrant of Beetleburg in the role of Lucrezia Mongfish!  While clearly the _ingenue_ , Agatha Clay was clearly game for the challenge of the Heterodyne canon's most loveable villainess.  Her expression during the grease pit scene was a marvel of comedic disgust.  The bit of improvisation where she constantly dodged attacks from the bumbling and cowardly Klaus--played by none other than Othar Trygvassen, GENTLEMAN ADVENTURER!--lent further hilarity to the proceedings.

          However, this columnist must criticize the sudden Geisterdammen attack in the third act.  It felt rather tacked on--

 

_Letter to Klaus Wulfenbach, June 4, 189--_

 

           If you ever attend _that particular Heterodyne play_ hoping to see me perform, I will bring blood and fire to your empire without mercy or respite.

           That said--they have a muse they have a muse THEY HAVE MOXANA AND HER CREATOR'S NOTES AND--

           Right.  Well.  It seems that Master Payne's Circus of Adventure came across two of the Muses of Van Rijn a few years ago.  One of them was apparently "bought" by your old acquaintance Prince Aaronev of Sturmhalten.  To prevent any repeat of that, I have granted Moxana van Rijn the right of personhood and asylum in Beetleburg under the Sophont Rights Act that I signed into law a month ago.  I am also granting this status to one Tinka van Rijn should she come onto Beetleburg territory.  I would ask for a rare act of Imperial intervention to allow Tinka and Moxana to be united again.  The former's loss has gravely affected the Muse of Mystery. 

           I am sending a transcription of the notes of RvR provided to me to you by high-security courier so that you don't ask for Moxana herself.  Because I _will_ fight you on that if you do.

            As for Othar--I agree with Gil that he is incredibly dangerous.  He was instrumental in saving everyone from those creepy spider-riding freaks.  So I have put him on probation in the children's ward of the town hospital.  As a clown. 

 

Agatha Clay, Tyrant of Beetleburg

 

 


	15. You Can Pick Your Friends, You Can Pick Your Nose...

_Letter to "Chump--he'll know who he is"_ _written in unknown script,_ __ _routed through Imperial mail, June 10, 189--_ __ __  


  


      You know, I could say that it was seeing Gil use those Skiff warrior techniques against sleep deprivation that clued me in.  But it was the waffles that decided it.  He made the same type that Mom remembers you making for her when she was pregnant with me--well, I guess it should be "us"--back before you left.  She still has the cooks make them for her when she's sad, you know.  It doesn't help so much because they aren't really as good as the ones you made.  By Gwangi, I must have looked a right fool when I had one half-hanging out of my mouth when he served them up after training.  I travel however thousands of kilometers from the Jewel.  The first taste of home I have turns out to be from my baby brother. Ha, life's funny that way.    


        I haven't told him.  I figure that is your job, Chump.  Also, seeing him trying to puzzle it out on his own is _hilarious._  


        Not as funny as seeing him try to court my _zumil._  


        Yes, I've taken on Agatha as my _zumil._    Hearing from her that one other person in this world had heard of Home saved my life.  I've been getting...sloppier fighting these days.  It's hard to believe in Home when absolutely no-one had ever heard of it.  Sometimes I think I was letting myself get distracted in fights to end it all.  Or there were days I wanted to wander deep into the Wastelands to die a warrior-princess' death.  But because of her, I know that Skiffander is real.  Because of her, I met a baby brother I never met.  Because of her, I can ask you this:  


**HOW BY ASHTARA'S TEN THOUSAND TITS DO I GET BACK?!**   


   


Zeetha, daughter of You-Know-Who  


_Follow up letter to "Chump", same date_   


  


       Oh.  Yeah.  About the twins thing.  I understand now why you left.  It wasn't me or mom.  It was Gil, wasn't it?  No, I am not here because of some nonsense from the High Priestess about how my baby brother is an abomination who will suck out my soul.  I _may_ be sticking around him because _someone_ has to get the war-caber out of his rear end that's been up him since childhood.  I talked to him about romance given that it's hard to believe he's your son given how totally horrible he is at dating.  Between him and Agatha, I have _years_ of work ahead of me.  This is going to be hilarious.  


      But could you tell me if I can even talk to Home?  


      Please?  


  


Zeetha  


  


_Flash-traffic routed to Captain Bangladesh Dupree, June 11, 189--_   


_  
_

REPORT TO BEETLEBURG IMMEDIATELY TO ASSUME COVERT BODYGUARD DUTIES UNDER GUISE OF ANNOYING GILGAMESH STOP  NO DELAYS STOP  NO THIS MEANS THAT YOU CANNOT BURN A VILLAGE ALONG THE WAY BECAUSE THEY QUOTE TOTALLY DESERVED IT UNQUOTE STOP  STOP WHINGING TO ME ABOUT IT STOP  QUOTE THEY KNOW WHAT THEY DID UNQUOTE WAS AND NEVER WILL BE A LEGITIMATE REASON STOP  


ALSO GIVE ME YOUR WORD YOU WILL PROTECT PRINCESS ZEETHA DAUGHTER OF CHUMP STOP  IT WILL ANNOY HER GREATLY STOP  


Klaus Wulfenbach, Baron  


  



	16. Hard Questions

___Flash traffic routed to Klaus Wulfenbach, June 13, 189--_ __  


  


HEY KLAUS GIL'S GIRLFRIEND THE SPARKY TYRANT LOOKS LIKE THE GIRL FROM THAT THING I SAW WHEN BURNING DOWN THE GUNBOAT STOP  KILL Y/N STOP  ONE OF THE SURVIVORS IS WORKING FOR HER STOP  HE TRIED TO BRAIN ME WITH A WRENCH STOP  THIS IS GOING TO BE MUCH LESS BORING THAN I EXPECTED STOP  


  


___Note delivered by courier A. Higgs, HIGHEST PRIORITY, Jun 15, 189--_   


_  
_

Ms. Clay, is there something you wish to tell me?  I am giving you ONE chance.  


  


Klaus Wulfenbach  


  


_____Reply hand-delivered by A, Higgs, June 17, 189--_ __  


  


I love him.    


  


I won't apologize for it.  


  


I know all your objections.  I know Gil has a duty.  But we were late in the lab, and getting goofy, and he tipped over that hazelnut spread over himself and he had that stupid little grin he always gets--  


It was amazing.  You can disapprove however much you want.  But I will not be ashamed of being with your son.  Sending your creepy pirate-assassin henchwoman to intimidate me won't work.  


  


Agatha Clay  


  


_Reply couriered by A Higgs, June 19, 189--_   


  


I...was actually referring to the fact that you were possibly Lucrezia Mongfish's daughter and thus the Heterodyne Heir.  


Klaus Wulfenbach  


  


_______Reply couriered by A. Higgs, June 21,189--_   


  


Oh,  


  


Yes.  Yes, I am.    


  


We should probably talk about that.  


  


Rather than hazelnut.  


  


Agatha "Clay"  


  


_Final reply couriered by A. Higgs, June 23, 189--_   


  


Possession, sale, and production of such a product is now banned on pain of extremely final and excrutiating death within the borders of the Empire.  


  


Klaus Wulfenbach.  



	17. Wedding Bells

_Letter to Arella Heliotrope, July 4, 189--:_

 

       Hoy, it eez hyu old pal Zudok vit great news.  Hy am now assigned to vit Bosun Heegs--who is de schmott guy writing dis letter again--to de Beetleburg garrison.  Iz verra goot dot hy am now stationed in a town so close to de home place.  Iz verra convenient for commuting.  Undt der is even a taste from home here in dot cafè hyu son is running dot de Miztress Agatha ov de town heff tea undt gingerbread in every morning.  Hy gets to hang out vit heem undt Hadrian Greenclaw and de odders vot heff volunteered to stay here to help de Miztress Clay run tings.

     But enuff about de café.  Hy heff to tell hyu about de vedding!

     Hy guess de Miztress decide she is tired ov Klaus bothering her about de Gilgamesh tink vot is all political and schtoff.  De Baron, he come in for a big talk dot last for hours dot hy not hear anything about becawze hy am goot loyal jaeger who does not eavesdrop.  Hy tell the Generals dot myself.  Zo, hy guess dot Miztress Clay decide to giff her hand to her best friend undt boon companion instead.  Hyu should heff seen Meester Moloch's face ven she asked him before efferybody to accept her hand in matrimony!  She say he is de guy fo' her cawze he keeps her grounded.  He did not get verra far before de Clockwork Army grab him.  Den he calm down cawze de Miztress kees him nize undt whisper in his ear. 

      It vas a touching ceremony in de university chapel vit de bride in de veasel-print vedding dress dot de Mechanicsburgers giff her for de occasion.  Meester Moloch vas brought to de altar in a verra old-home touch in morning clothes vit golden chains in a cage.  Eet brings a tear to my eye, remind me ov Saturnus undt Teodora bot nizer cawze hy don't tink Moloch try to poison her much.  He usually uses a rubber mallet dot it less harmful on de human cranium.  Anyvay, Master Gil serve as best man!  De vay dey act, hyu vould tink dot Master Gil vas being married instead ov Meester Moloch.  De Baron vas verra overcome.  He had his face in his hands almost all ov de ceremony.  Dere vas another tradional Mechanicsburg touch vot vith Othar Trygvassen trying to keel Miztress Agatha again along vit Master Gil.  Vat a laugh!

     De reception after vas great!  Dere vas de post-vedding fight dot all the jaegers get into vit Miss Zeetha and Captain Duprée.  Hoo, boy, it turn out dot de princess undt Bang heff old business.  De fight between de two of dem demolish heff the hall de reception vas in!  Real old-school.  It vas verra touching dot Doctor Yngln who come from Mechanicsburg fo' the vedding ov Miztress Clay also end up marrying de two gorls as "homicidal life partners".  Hy here de Baron ees sending dem vit my brodders undt lots ov odders to hunt down does vite ladies who try to snatch Miztress Clay to "answer a few pointed questions".  Yum!  Doze ladies fight good and ride big ~~bogz~~ arachnids.

    Hyu may get to meet de Tyrant becawze dey is heffing de honeymoon right in Mechanicsburg. 

 

Be seeing hyu!

Zudok

 

 


	18. The Hero's Journey

_From the private journal of Othar Trygvassen,_ **GENTLEMAN ADVENTURER!** _, July 15, 189--:_

 

    The well-named Tyrant is a devious woman.  Yet she cannot fool the keen eye and penetrating intellect of a Hero.

     My suspicions of a plot being perpetrated under the guise of a honeymoon began with the provision of an Imperial packet-dirigible to bring Miss Clay and her poor dupe of a minion-husband to Mechanicsburg.  The ever-clenching hand of the oppressive Baron moves subtly.  But not subtly enough to avoid the attentions of such as I.  I inveigled myself along with the rest of the troupe with the promise that I would also do my clown work in the children's ward of the Great Hospital.  On the flight out, there was a spot of trouble as we entered Sturmhalten airspace.  While tempting, I could not let the bomb that would have resulted in the crash of the airship occur.  It would have resulted in the deaths of the sparky seductrix and the deviant wastrel that Klaus claims as a son.  There still would have been unacceptable casualties, including my own Olga and that poor, besotted fool Moloch.  It was touch and go.  But with Krosp's assistance and the aid of Airman Higgs, we tossed the bomb off right over the side into Sturmhalten Castle.  Sadly, it did not plunge into Aaronev Wilhelm's office as I planned.  Some rather testy heliograms made a rather big deal about some chapel being destroyed.

     Miss Clay's designs became ever more clear the more I watched her.  Now, her decision to visit the Red Cathedral is de rigeur for any honeymooning couple playing tourist in Mechanicsburg.  Taking one's vows again at the altar is something of a custom.  I left when it was clear that nothing important was occurring.  Mind you, the usually exhaustive tourist-guides failed to mention that there was a Queen's Mirror in the place.  I sent a letter and my notes on the devices attached to it to the tourist board.  One hopes that they will update the tour itineraries to include it.  I then followed them to that den of iniquity Mamma Gkika's.  Clearly the work of Gilgamesh Wulfenbach.  Why, that hostess with a puzzling addiction to pink was even working behind the bar!  It seems her luck ran as it usually did when Gilgamesh was in his Hofzaller persona.  My attempt to end the threat of Miss Clay caused a large hammer to fall on Madmoiselle Dorée in the confusion.  Really, I know Mechanicsburg served the Old Heterodynes.  There are still things like workplace hazards.

     A less-perceptive man would have called it quits.  Not I, Othar Trygvassen, **Gentleman Adventurer**!  I will find evidence that she is collaborating with the Baron on announcing herself as a false Heterodyne Heir.  The cunning lass will aid Wulfenbach in usurping the town which is the center of the hopes of Europa that the Heterodyne Boys will return.  I refuse to allow this!  Luckily, my fortuitous discovery of a new girl sidekick in the civil administration means I can go ahead with my plan to foil her evil plot.  Violetta was in tears at the chance to escape into a life of adventure rather than the petty day-by-day existence as a clerk.  With her aid, I shall infiltrate the Castle itself to warn it of Miss Clay.  The Castle will eliminate her in a neat bit of turnabout of evil being tricked into destroying evil.

    Take that, Miss Clay! 

_From the private journal of Othar Trygvassen,_ **GENTLEMAN ADVENTURER!** _, July 16, 189--:_

SANAA WHAT IN THE NAME OF ODIN'S TESTICLES ARE YOU DOING HERE, YOUNG LADY?!

 


End file.
